Happy New Year

2011 started with a bang. My father in law had open heart surgery, we just brought him home. My sister in law got married in the hospital so that he could attend.

So we made the papers and the local news, apparently it made good PR.

It finally occurred to me, dense as I am, that things could have been much much worse than they turned out. So I guess I can't complain about what a bad year it is, actually its pretty darn good.

I hope everyone else is doing OK.

Deer hunting.

This deer, in a matter of minutes bags a dog and nearly bags a cat. I felt a little sorry for the dog, but the cat was a missed opportunity.

On the elusivness of wapiti.

Just got back from an elk hunting trip in north central Colorado. We didn't get an elk. Three of the four of us had elk within bow range, but we couldn't seal the deal. I had a calf at 15 yards, and didn't shoot. I'd heard a bull bugle, and got ahead of them, so I knew he was around somewhere. He never showed.

I don't have the words to describe the disparate feelings of dejection and frustration, yet wanting to do it again, and how it is good to be home but it sucks to be back here.

Anyway, it was an experience I'll remember and hopefully can do again sometime.

Anybody want a dog?

I was talked into taking home a stray black lab about a month ago. He isn't working out. He won't stay home, and the neighbors, while not as trigger happy as El Borak., have expressed that they'd prefer he didn't show up at their place. I take it to mean that their fingers are getting itchy. He barks. He appears to have hip dysplasia. He really has no useful attributes, but he is a nice dog.

He is gunshy, and I shoot once in a while, so I don't think that endears him to me. I tried putting the stay-home-shock-collar on him the other day, and he took off yipping all the way to the neighbors. Those things don't work well if you don't train the dog, so that is my failure, not his. I picked him up a mile south. He spends his time tied up to the doghouse, lest he run off.

I told Mrs. Giraffe he had to go, and she said she'd find a place for him. Time is up tomorrow, but I think he will get a stay for another week.

Sorry dog, I gave it a shot.

There's a reason for these things.

There's usually a reason, or at least an excuse, for the draconian laws passed by our various governments. In many cases, the medicine is worse than the cure.

For example,divorce laws favor women. The men are raped with regards to finances and child custody. In most cases, society would be better off if no fault divorce had never come about. But then, once in a while, we come upon a specimen that would probably serve as exhibit A in favor of these laws.

Keeping the example of divorce, we have my brother in law. Soon to be ex brother in law, if events follow their present course.

This is a male (I guess I should not call him a man) who has not held down a meaningful job in a decade. He has not made more than $10,000 in any year since I don't know when. To compensate for his lack of income, he has spent them into bankruptcy. That was a few years back. He has done it again, but I don't know if bankruptcy is possible so soon after the last one. Some laws have been added to the books that make it more difficult and less beneficial as well. Generally speaking any financial decision has been 180 degrees from common sense. They are upside down on their subprime financed house. They run up a bill at daycare till they get kicked out, rinse lather repeat. Note that on days that he doesn't work he still sends the kids to daycare. Any attempts at financial assistance are immediately squandered to buy more things.

You might ask why my sister in law chooses to stay with such a wonderful provider. Well it is probably due to his outstanding moral character. Except for two affairs in the last few years, (neither girl over 18 years old, barely beat the statutory minimum on one) and numerous other relatively minor infractions he is a paragon of virtue. I'm not going to even start on his parenting skills.

He does have dreams, though. He wants to be a police officer. May God save us all if he ever slips through that background check.

In short he is a narcissistic, predatory, child-man. I should probably be in prison for his murder if I was a better man myself. At least he doesn't take drugs, yet if he did, he couldn't hardly be a worse husband or father.

In her defense she is stupid. That's probably an uncharitable way to put it. She has a learning disability from brain damage at birth. She was and is an easy mark, I guess. She doesn't reason well.

But, she has reached her breaking point, and if she is able to successfully resist his alternately abusive and begging behavior, she will be rid of him. All in all, she will be much better off.

It occurs to me that if her parents had had any say in who she married, none of this would have happened.

NRA: Weak little sister

This has nothing to do with why I'm no longer an NRA member, but it is another reason I won't rejoin.

Now that she's more than a week old.

Ta Da!!!!




I do good work.

I'm not the NRA

Although I could be.

Picking up the slack for El Borak TGIF Edition.

Dont forget to mail your census forms.

Picking up the slack for El Borak 2.0

****One day my mommy was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"*****

Picking up the slack for El Borak.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. -Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. -Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! -Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. -Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -Letterman


Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...


But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

For Nate

I hear he likes these things.



UPDATE: Sorry kids, there's been a terrible accident.

troll baiting, for sport

Farmer Tom put up a post about atheists and the intellectual thrashing thereof.

Wouldn't you know it, soon the resident ankle biter shows up.

I thought I'd preserve it, since Haloscan is leaving us tomorrow.

rusncap: Wow. Mickelson's response may be the most retarded thing I've seen in several weeks... and I've heard portions of Palin's speech. I'm glad you like it, FT. For the record, the Iowa pigs, though less hardy than their Haitian counterparts, are still smarter than you and Mickelson. Put together.


Giraffe: Wow. Mickelson's response may be the most retarded thing I've seen in several weeks...

You must be one of those less evolved species.

rusncap: I hate to inform you, Giraffe, but all humans are the same species. You just happen to be one of its less intelligent members. But, as those of us who actually bothered with learnin' things know, every gene pool has a shallow end.

P.S. Just because stupidity is couched in sarcasm doesn't make it any less stupid. Just makes it more desperate.

Giraffe: every gene pool has a shallow end.

You blithering moron. You just made the same argument that you are attempting to make fun of Mickelson for.

rusncap: Erm, no Giraffe. I didn't. It's too bad you don't understand biology. Just because you're in the shallower end of the gene pool (I'm joking, of course, just because you're stupid does not mean you're inbred) does not imply that you're a different species.

Oh, and Mickelson didn't make actual arguments. His only coherent statement was that Christians also donate to charity, which is true.

Giraffe: Yes, you did.

You said I am in the shallow end of the gene pool. He said Haitians are in the shallow end of the gene pool (although he was utilizing a literary device known as sarcasm. Look it up.) There are also so nice quotes from the atheist hero Darwin regarding different races and which end of the gene pool they are in.

Are you sure you are not a chimp?

rusncap: No, retard. He said "sarcastically" that Haitians are a different species. If you don't understand the difference between "shallow end of the gene pool" and "different species", you might want to go back to H.S. biology. Then again that's not such a bad idea.

As for Darwin, what's he got to do with anything?

"There are also so nice quotes" -- English isn't your first language, is it?

Giraffe: "Some" nice quotes. Work with me.

I'll spell it out for you. Hector Avalos selected Pat Robertson to make fun of. He did this because Pat isn't representative of mainstream Christians (although Hector can pretend he is) and said some things that are easy to make fun of. That way you can smear all Christians using an extreme example.

In response, Mickelson selected atheist hero Charles Darwin, the father of evolutionary theory, and made fun of some of the wild and crazy things that he said. The funny thing is, these are some of the actual implications of the theory you are expousing here.

You come along, and try to make fun of me, unwittingly using the same argument that Mickelson used sarcastically.

Giraffe:......using the same argument that Mickelson used sarcastically.

You know. The one you said was "retarded"

At this point, I had to leave. Suppose he'll follow me back here?

Best Fails of 2009

"Gun Inspector"

Oh come on, give the guy a break. Really, who hasn't done this:

Kinky ATF Agent Gets In Big Trouble In Big Easy

Friday challenge

February 31, 2047


For immediate release:

Greenspace Moves to Prevent Di-Hydrogen Oxide Contamination

Building upon our success in creating the Lunar Wild Area Refuge (LunWar) to prevent the tracking of pristine lunar surfaces by moon buggies, Greanspace has moved once more to protect the lunar environment.

Hydro-Unlimited, a subsidiary of Haliburton!, has proposed drilling for di-hydrogen oxide beneath the moon’s surface. Di-hydrogen oxide is a major component of acid rain on Earth, yet Haliburton! executives tell us it is safe.

Proponents of drilling claim that the lunar habitat is lifeless (we disagree), and therefore cannot be damaged by human activities. As we showed in creating LunWar, human activity is damage. If we hadn’t acted, the entire lunar surface would be covered in tracks and footprints. Since the moon is atmosphere impaired, these tracks create permanent scars on the surface of the moon.

Now the industrialists are at it again, proposing to move into LunWar with their drilling rigs, tracking up the surface in their quest for di-hydrogen oxide. Think for a moment what a catastrophe it would be if one tanker of di-hydrogen oxide were to be spilled. They claim it would quickly covert to the solid state, but dare we trust them? The capitalist pigs claim that the di-hydrogen oxide is essential for life. Well, too much is fatal too.

There is a subtlety in the statement that di-hydrogen oxide is "essential to life" that must be explored. Is this an admission of the existence of life on the moon? We think so! The next time someone laughs at you when you insist on protecting the Barking Moonbat, tell them even Haliburton! Execs have admitted they exist.

Call your senator today and tell her not to allow drilling in LunWar.

Giraffe
President
Greenspace

Liar in chief

(picture shamelessly stolen)

Once again, we have a president whose first reaction when in an uncomfortable position is to lie. People accused Bush of lying. More often he was simply wrong. Obama has been caught in several lies, but the state run media never calls him out.

Get your kids into archery.

The pleasure of a good story, well told:

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our place sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbitch.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland, so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I look over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles) to add to the excitement.

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can, but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie. A pound of Pyrodex and 16ounces of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker, you know? You know what? Screw that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it on, too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the two-stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God, it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can. Oh, shit!

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fucking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion; and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE! There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback – ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAMMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard, and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know. I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so, and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again... Thanks, Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years, and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both..

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It’s good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. Something they won’t learn in school.

Source.

Squid!!

Friday Challenge for this Week

slight story modifications: my object won't fit in a bag, and I'm on a classified mission.


Squid Wars, The Next Generation

I struggled with my cargo in the airlock. It was heavy. I lugged it to the infirmary module and did a quick reconnaissance of the station. I was pleased to find that there was a spare model 5105 maintenance droid stored in one of the warehouse modules.

I linked my handheld into the droid and uploaded the Engineer program.

"Sir?" the droid said when it came online.

"Perform a census of this station, inspect my ship, and report back to me." I said.

"Yes sir," said the Engineer and it left.

I returned to the equipment I had brought. I plugged it into the infirmary receptacles and powered it up.

"Ready" was flashing on the screen. Opening the supply case I selected a membrane, and installed it in the slot. I pressed start.
_______

After a couple of hours, the Engineer droid returned to report.

"Weapons, crew and comm modules destroyed. Estimate 1 week repair on crew module. Weapons and comms will need to be totally re-manufactured. Estimate 21 months to construct the necessary fabrication droids. There are 1 platoons worth of lght weapons in storage. The..."

I interupted him. "Forget the comms. My orders are for communications silence anyway. We will construct receivers if we have time. Maybe we can get some news. As for weapons, we can't handle the Kalimari if they return anyway. We need to get out of here before they return. How soon can you repair my spacecraft?"

"Your ship is poor condition. If you plan to abandon this station, we can cannibalize some of the materials. However, some materials will need to be obtained from the moon's surface. We will need to construct a full line of droids from mining and smelting droids to machinists, and of course, a droid to build the droids. I estimate 6 months. Captain Smith did a full survey scan of this moon, the materials are here."

"What happened to the crew?" I asked

"According to the log, two were on the ship when the Kalamari surprised them. The rest were in the crew's quarters."

"What else was in the station's computer? Did the crew find a habitable planet in nearby?"

"Yes sir. There is planet that scores 87 just over 5 parsec's from here, carrying capacity 7.5 billion. They had not reported it to command yet."

"Good" I said. "that's where we will be going. We will start a station type 14 sequence when we get there. How long till we can be fully operational?"

The droid processed for a full minute. "I estimate we can complete a Mahi-Mahi class cruiser constructed in orbit in about 100 years."

I nodded. So I wasn't going to live to see this through.

"Sir, according to the station's main computer, the Kalimari ship's beacon was activated. "

"I assumed it was. That's why we have to leave so quickly." I said.

"The computer estimated a 57 percent chance they will investigate and, if they come 6 months before ...." said the Engineer.

"They'll come." I said. "We are going to need an espionage droid to alter their ship's log. If we hide our activities, they might not know to come looking for us. You'd better get started."

"Yes sir." The Engineer hurried away.
________
The next day, I checked the machine. "Membrane ready." was flashing on the display. The membrane had formed into a small bulb shape.

I selected a capsule from the supply kit, placed it into the receptacle, and pressed start.
______
The droid passed by as I was checking the machine.

"Are you using that antique?" he asked

"Yes, that's all they gave me." I replied.

"You are not following the protocol?" he asked.

"No, I am not" I admitted.

"Shall I make preparations?" he asked.

"Yes, in a few weeks" I said.
_____

Eight months earlier, I had been summoned with about 100 others to the command ship. Admiral Kent addressed us.

"The Kalimari have us boxed in this quadrant of the galaxy." he said. "We are in desperate straits. My staff has come up with a bold new plan to eradicate them and they assure me of it's success. You are not a part of this plan. Since I don't share the optimism of my staff, you are plan B. Each of you has been selected based on your psych/med files for this mission. As you know, we have only resorted to this a few times in our history. Good luck."

We were broken up into smaller groups, and given our orders.
_____

After eight weeks, I was starting to believe we might make it before the Kalimari returned. The Engineer had worked furiously, and I helped where I could. The new Engineer software was amazing for optimizing solutions. We were now turning out five or six new droids a day. My ship had been completely disassembled and was being modified into an makeshift transport. We would take the droids with us.
_____

The machine was ready for the next stage. The membrane had grown leathery and opaque was much larger now, and was suspended in a tank of water. It moved occasionally like a living creature. I watched as the medi-droid made a 7 centimeter slit in the membrane. The droid inserted the Ed unit and glued the membrane shut.
______

The droids had repaired the comm reciever on the ship. A few intercepts had come in. Things were obviously deteriorating in the war. No rescue would be coming.

Then we picked up the Kalimari message. Two more cruisers had been reassigned to investigate the beacon. We had a month.

______
The machine cycle was complete. The tank of water had been drained and removed, the membrane lay heavily the floor. I nodded to the medi-droid, and it selected its scalpel.

She had arrived.

She coughed and sputtered as the medi-droid severed the umbilical cord. The droid tucked the stub of the cord under a flap of skin and used the surgical glue to seal it. That was the tell-tale mark of a clone, no belly button.

She noticed me.

"What.... " She stopped. Her voice was raspy, she obviously was surprised at the sound of it. It sounded different of course, now that she was out of the engineered amniotic fluid. She had known this would happen, of course. The Ed unit was very thorough.

What is my name,?" she managed.

The medi-droid was cleaning the slime off of her.

"Eve" I said.

"How many are here?" she asked

"Just the two of us."

She was surprised. "Shall we get started?"

"Not yet" I replied.

"You do have embryos?"

"I have a full genetic library." I said.

"Then....." She was thinking. She was a smart one. "You're not following protocol?"

"No. " I admitted.

She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Perfect. She'd been selected for this, thousands of years ago. She felt my eyes.

Her eyes widened slightly. "Do you have any clothes for me?" She regarded me suspiciously. There had been abuses of of clones in the past. The Ed unit must have taught her that too.

"I..uh, didn't.." I stammered, "I didn't think of it at all." I rushed to my quarters and returned with a sweatshirt and some exercise pants. "I'll have one of the droids make you some closthes right away."

She seemed reassured.

"Have you got anything to eat?" she asked.

"Yes, this way" I said. The medi-droid had been fitting her with a walk/therapy droid. The ed unit had made her exercise, but it still took a while to learn to walk. We started slowly toward the dining module.

"So why?.... She trailed off.

"I wanted some company." I said.

After a while she said "So, I'm to be your wife?"

"If you wish." I said. "If you don't want to, I'll have plenty to pick from. I have 49 more human capsules. They are all female. The male seeds were sent to stations where crewmen were needed."

"That's the protocol." she said.

"So if I'm going to be a baby factory, I may as well be the only one with a husband." she said and smiled. Apparently, she was deciding she could trust me.

I didn't say anything.

"Is something wrong?" she asked "Do I displease you?"

"It's just that.... you" I said softly "You're one of my ancestors. It's just a little weird."

"This isn't the first time the human race has had to repopulate" She agreed.

We completed the evacuation 10 days later.