The Friday Challenge

For the Friday Challenge:

Cote sat in the passenger seat, ahead of his pilot brother Cliff. He strained his eyes through his oil covered goggles, coughing at the acrid taste of smoke and oil.

The engine coughed its last, and there was only the roar of the wind. Then there was a small explosion, and flames streamed back over the engine cowling, threatening to roast him alive.

He turned around, screaming, "Watch out Cliff, you are going to hit the barn!"

Cliff's seat was empty.

"Oh shit" muttered Cote.
_____

Beth Key glared at Doctor Darkness. "I could never be happy with the likes of you!"

"Why not?" he smiled. "I'm just as handsome as Cliff, and almost as wealthy."

"You are an evil pig!" she cried, as she looked back to the barn.

_____
Cote lept from the plane, and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He clawed at his oily goggles, but he couldn't see anything.

He fought the urge to scream. "I'll die with dignity" he thought to himself.
He finally got his goggles off just as he glanced off the top of a large haystack. The hay scratched his face as he flew over a fence and landed in a large pile of manure.

"Oh shit" he moaned as the acrid taste of smoke and oil was replaced with something far worse.

______

Cliff's parachute had opened 25 feet about the ground, and the rigging caught in a tree. His forward momentum slowed as the 'chute tore and the branches broke. The 'chute tore free and he landed on his feet at a jog. "Just like I practiced" He thought to himself. As he ran, he looked down at the the wet stain that began at his crotch and spread down each pant leg. "

"I can't let anybody see that", he said to himself. He came to a barbed wire fence, leaping over it easily. He ran along the edge of a farm pond, stopping long enough to wet himself down to hide the fact that he had wet his pants. He looked at column of smoke rising a short distance away and shivered, and then turned and slowly walked away.
____

Cote sat next to the water trough. He had a horrible headache. He was sure he had broken a couple of ribs in the fall. He was wracked with pain as he vomited one last time.

"I'll kill Cliff for sure this time" he swore, wiping his mouth.

"I need to find Beth" he thought. He didn't know what the dim witted dame saw in his brother, but he couldn't leave her with someone like Doctor Darkness.

___________

Cliff had heard the sound of Doctor Darkness's planes in the distance. He decided it was time to get out of the open. He spotted treetops over a small rise in the ground. "I better get under the trees." he thought, turning towards them. He froze as he topped the rise. Between him and the trees was a road. Between him and the road was a fence. Between him and the fence was a herd of cattle. One by one, they picked up their heads to stare at him.

__________

"He's dead you know." Said Doctor Darkness.

Beth just looked blankly at him.

He smiled slightly, when he noticed there were no tears on her cheeks. Then he turned to watch his minions as they piloted their airplanes above.

"You will see things my way" he said.
_____

The sound of the planes returning interrupted Cote's thoughts. He peered around the haystack and watched the formation approaching. As he watched two objects fell from the lead aircraft's wings. The objects whistled slightly as they flew over his head towards the wreckage of the plane and the burning barn.

He was knocked off his feet as twin explosions rocked the ground. Debris and large pieces of lumber rained down on him. A large burning board landed on his back. He jumped up and dove back into the water trough.
______

Cliff had stood nervously for a few seconds, looking at the cattle ahead, hearing the planes getting louder behind. He decided he'd go around. He relaxed a little when the cattle resumed feeding as he skirted the herd.

And then, he heard the explosions.

____


Beth Key looked at clouds of smoke as the planes wheeled away.

"I guess you're right", she said. "He was a fool anyway."

Doctor Darkness grinned. "I knew you never really cared for him."

"How did you know?" she asked.

"I am an evil genius." he said simply.

"There would be many benefits to being with me. You will be able to scoop all the crime stories for your newspaper. I can make you the editor before long. I am going places, and I can take you with me" he declared.

Beth looking into his eyes. "I love a powerful man, Doctor....."

"Call me Bruce," said Doctor Darkness.

_____________

Cote got out of the water trough, and promptly stepped on a board. He howled as a protruding nail penetrated deeply into his foot. Grimacing, he pulled himself free and limped away from the barn. He saw a farmhouse a ways off. A black car was parked in the farmyard, a man and a woman were getting in.

"If I can make it to the end of the driveway I can cut them off!" Cote thought as he quickened his stumbling pace, slipping into a corn field.
____

"Lets find a restaurant" said Beth, "I am famished."

"Of course, we can't be seen together," Doctor Darkness said. "We will go to my lair."

"I am a virtuous woman!" she said, "surely you cannot be so forward!"

There was a short silence, and then they both laughed.

Suddenly, Bruce slammed on the brakes, and the car skidded to a halt. In the road ahead, a man had stepped out from behind a tractor. At least she thought it was a man. He stood there in tattered, filthy clothes, watery blood dripping from him. It was Cote, she realized.

"Doctor Darkness, I cannot let you take her" Cote called.

"His name is Bruce." Beth Key said. "and I want to go with him."

Cote blinked in disbelief.

Doctor Darkness got out of the car, holding a pistol that he had produced from somewhere. Seeming to think better of it, he put the pistol away and retrieved a tire iron.

"You might not want to watch this." He said to Beth. He pointed to to a tire swing, hanging from a rope in a nearby tree. "I am going to hang Cote Hangar once and for all!"

He stepped forward, brandishing the tire iron.

Beth Key lay down across the front seat, not wanting to watch the coming violence.
_____

Cliff saw the cattle start when the explosions rocked the barn. He ran, hearing the thunder of hooves. Soon though, he noticed the sound was getting fainter. He slowed, looking back. The cattle were running the other way. He stopped to catch his breath. He couldn't believe his luck.
______

Cote readied himself. He knew that in his condition he wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight.

"Oh shit" he thought to himself as Doctor Darkness slowly closed the distance.
_______

Over the sound of the retreating cattle, Cliff heard another sound. The aeroplanes! Horrified, he watched as the cattle turned, running from the low flying craft. Now they were coming towards him!

He ran, screaming, towards the fence.
_________

"I've waited years for this." Doctor Darkness said.

Cote merely waited.

But then the ground began to shake again, slowly increasing in volume.

They turned towards the sound. Something was coming from the other side of the corn field.

And there was another sound, a piercing shriek, barely heard over the approaching thunder.
_____

Cliff dove over the fence, scrambling into a corn field. As he plowed through the stalks, heard the cattle crashing through the fence behind him. He stumbled as he exited the corn field and ran smack into a tractor, his head head hitting the steel frame. He crumpled in a heap underneath it.
______

Cote and Dr. Darkness didn't have time to be surprised by Cliff's entrance as the cattle erupted out of the corn. Cote tried to dive behind the car, but Dr. Darkness hit him in the knee with the tire iron. Cote lay next to the front tire as the cattle roared past. Only four or five trampled on his exposed legs.
___________

Cliff awoke with a start. The cows were gone. He got to his feet. Barely discernible with all the dust covering him, there was a man lying in the road. He was obviously dead. Beth was sitting in the car. She was looking at the dead man with an unhappy expression, and then she saw him.

"Cliff!" she cried "I knew you'd save me."

"Of course." he said getting into the drivers seat. "Why would you think differently?"

They didn't hear the moan as he started the car.

There was a lurch as the car ran over something. Cliff piloted the car around the body in the road.
_____
Some say that a villain was defeated by a hero that day, but one man knew better. Two months later, the Denver Sentinel reported that Cliff Hanger and Beth Key were murdered. One villain was destroyed, but one much more diabolical was created. It is unknown how many women bled to death in back alleys because of the twisted Cote Hanger. This story should serve as a warning: Those who take credit are not always the hero. Perhaps there is a little bit of Doctor Darkness in us all.

demotivator

Or make a better one.

Suzanna Gratia Hupp explains meaning of 2nd Amendment!

Why we are doomed: Version 1.0

"the sum of the U.S. government's liabilities and other financial commitments now exceeds the collective net worth of its citizens."

As a reference

For Res Ipsa, who will need this, stolen from JACIII.



APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
_________ ___________________________________ ________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with over sized tires? __Yes __No

C. A water bed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________ ________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want lto be shot would be:
__________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__ __________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

____________________________

_____________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

_____________________________
_____________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Sig nature & Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi or State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six months for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating, as they appear below:

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill y ou. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you, [besides the application above] is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,and more than an hour goes by, do n ot sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, middle-aged,dimwitted has-been fart. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and fifty-five wooded acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Have a good time!!

Christmas thoughts.

It is kind of fun watching an 8 month old girl tear into the wrapping paper. She doesn't get it yet, she just likes the paper.

Christmas at the inlaws. Such a pleasant misery. Good food, badly behaved kids and pets, and cat allergies. Great fun.

Today, I am off to try hunting coyotes with my brother. Maybe burn off some of those cookies.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Start thinking up your new years resolutions.

Giraffe out.

True

Your Slogan Should Be

Between Love and Madness Lies Giraffe

The Slogan Generator

Cuteness

That is all.

from the inbox

Sometimes you get an email that is true:

A Lady Named Irena - a true story

There recently was a death of a 98 year old lady named Irena.

During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist.

She had an ulterior motive...

She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being German).

Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of her tool box she carried, and she carried in the back of her truck a Burlap sack, (for larger kids).

She also had a dog in the back, that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in, and out of the ghetto.

The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog, and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.

During her time and course of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants.

She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, and arms, and beat her severely.

Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out, and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard.

After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it, and reunited the family.

Most of course had been gassed.

Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes, or adopted.

Last year Irena was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize....

She LOST.

. . . . . . . Al Gore won, for doing a slide show on Global Warming.

Fireworks

From Kevin M, Via Dr. Helen

My history with fireworks:

When I was a kid, my father was Vermont State Champion trapshooter in the handicapped division. He paid me 25 cents for each box of 12-guage shells I reloaded for him, so we had gobs of Hercules Red-Dot shotgun powder around the house, as well as a subscription to The Shotgun News. I saw an ad in the Shotgun News for empty Mark II Pineapple grenade casings, so, being a kid, I ordered one.

It arrived, I filled it with Red-Dot, put in a model rocket fuse and sealed the opening with candle wax (melted in a pot on Mom's stove...I'm not using a lit candle because even though I'm really stupid, I'm not friggin' suicidal!).

I bury the grenade in Mom's tomato garden next door to our neighbors' house, a pair of elderly and wonderful French-Canadians. I light the fuse and run like Jessie Owens.

BOOOOOM!!!

Mom no longer has any tomatoes, there's a crater big enough to bury our dog in the garden, Mr. Rouleau dashes outside his house screaming expletives in French and I take off into the woods to develop my skills in unassisted living for two days before returning home to one seriously p*ssed-off mother and a father who, when he learned of the calamity, wet himself.

Fireworks, people. Let the pros handle them.

My father-in law watched a yukon burn up after a kid inside it somehow got his sack of fireworks ignited. The car filled up with smoke and one kid got seriously burned because he couldn't find his way out.

A guy got killed near here over the weekend making a sparkler bomb.

I don't get a big kick out of fireworks so much any more. Maybe when my kid(s) get older. Anyways, have fun, be careful, and if you have a funny story, by all means share it.

For Heidi

Because she was grouchy.

Another pic

A pic

And then there were three.

7lbs 15 oz
19.5"
May 1, 2008

Abby Jeanne

Mom and baby are fine, although Dad's head is swelling up pretty bad.

Thanks for the prayers. I'll get some pictures up eventually.

Life is happening.

I probably will not post very often for a while. There is a lot going on.

At work:

the good: our services are suddenly in demand again. Which is good. Hard for the boss to pay us with no money coming in. It was a long winter.

The bad: a co-worker's wife lost her fight with cancer, then he had a heart attack a week later. So we are short an important piece, and who knows when he will be back (though he is doing well, considering). Stressful situation for his family.

The boss's wife had a heart attack last fall. She is doing well too, but rehab and appointments take him away a lot too. A lot more responsiblity is falling on me, so I guess I ought to quite feeling sorry for myself (i have it good, after all) and put the shoulder to the wheel.

At home, baby Giraffe is making his presence felt though he/she hasn't arrived yet. Mrs. giraffe has been put on bedrest due to swelling. She is not due till mid May, but I don't think it will take that long. The doctor was talking about inducement. There is no immediate concern, but with the swelling and her blood pressure starting to rise, I think the doctor wants to get the baby out as soon as it is safe.

We had a bet. She thought the baby would come before the end of April, I thought in May. With a due date well into May I figured it was a sure thing. I thought I lost the bet last night but the contractions lessened and we were sent home. It is difficult, having not gone through this before, to know what is labor and what is the warm up.

Of course, we are not ready. I put the crib together, but it was a cheap piece of junk and it was broken in two places. So we are going to get our money back and we bought a better quality used one in to replace it. At lunch today, she said she didn't know if she was ready to take care of a baby. I don't think you ever are. But it will be a good thing. I have to figure out the car seat. All of the Mrs's. friends say they take forever to install.

Friday, we had our second spring blizzard, worse than the first. We didn't try to go home this time. Which was a good idea, the road ditches were full of vehicles the next day. We got just shy of 20 inches of snow, and the snowblower broke, so we are just going to have to wait for it to melt. If Algore showed up talking about global warming they would not find his body till the snow melted. Spring has been slow in arriving about the last five years in a row. Pretty unusual to get snow this late to say the least. I was actually thinking it was time to mow the lawn the first time. Odd to have to wait for the snow to melt so you can mow.

Useful Idiots

Do not buy a gun at Walmart. I suppose I'll have to stop shopping there at all.

Since Ebay banned a lot of shooting related things, I quit them too, though it was only because I was only looking for shooting related things.

A pleasant surprise.

I wrote this last week, didn't get time to finish.

Went to the gun show last weekend. I sent on Sunday afternoon. Saturdays are reserved for hunting geese. Got there kind of late, a lot of vendors were packing up. This seems to happen every year, seems like I have to rush through, before they shut down. There is no solution though, the timing of the gun show coincides with the migration of the great white hordes. I won't miss actual trigger time to go to a gun show.

to continue.

The best part of my trip to the gun show, was not that I got a new gun. I only got a couple bags of brass. Mrs. Giraffe saw a gun she liked. A Ruger 10-22 with a pink rubber coated stock. She said, "If I had to have a gun, that would be it" Mrs Giraffe is not a shooter. She also asked if she could shoot geese with it. So, I am going to let her shoot my 10-22 a few times. If she likes it, I will have to get her one. She says she only wants to shoot tin cans and stuff, and not actually hunt. I figure that is a win, even if she doesn't want to hunt. But it is nice for her to show that much interest in it. If we weren't saving for the baby right now, I'd have brought it home right then.

Baby is due in about a month. The doctor told us she needs to stay pregnant a couple more weeks. I need to get a bunch of stuff done first. Mrs. Giraffe is not very comfortable right now, but it has not been an overly difficult pregnancy. For me especially :).

Right now, we are having yet another spring snow storm. A blizzard warning, in fact. Expected to have 40+ mph winds combined with 10" of wet heavy snow. Great. I have to wait in town till the Mrs. gets off of work to make sure she gets home OK. The roads are already accumulating slush. She doesn't get off for three more hours unless they let her go early.

So I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. Thought I'd finish this post.

The reloading Page

I figured I'd put up a page of reloading links.

Under Construction. If you have any I should add, let me know.

Bullet Manufacterers

• Nosler
• Berger
• Hornady
• JLK
• Sierra
• Barnes
• Speer
• Swift

Sabots


Powder Manufactures FOR RELOAD DATA

• Alliant
• Hodgdon/Winchester/IMR Link is for reload data for all three. Scroll to bottom to browse individual sites, (powder descriptions, etc)
• Ramshot / Accurate note, Ramshot owns Accurate
• Vihtavuori (Lapua)

Shopping:

• Midway USA
• Midsouth
• Cabelas
• Grafs
• Powder Valley
• Brownels Good for Gunsmithing
• SWFA - optics
  

Reloading Equipment

• Lee
• Redding
• Hornady
• Sinclair
• RCBS
• Lyman
• MEC

Optics

• Sightron
  
• Weaver
• Burris
  
• Nikon
• Leupold
  
• Bushnell
• Horus Vision
• ATN
• Nightforce
• US Optics
• Newcon - Rangefinders, Night Vision

Guns

• Remington
• Savage
• Winchester
• Browning
• Ruger
• Henry
• CZ USA
• Weatherby
• Sako
• Kimber
• Springfield Armory Nate, Note it is listed right below Kimber
  
• Tikka
• Cooper
• Barret
  

AR's

• Rock River
• Olympic Arms
• Bushmaster
• DPMS
  

Miscellaneous

• Ballistic Calculator
• Steve's Pages- Lots of stuff here
• Varminthunter.org
  
• 
  

Do like they do on the...

Warning, crude joke.



Being married to a pregnant woman, we have learned a new technique called "Coyote sex"
This is where the male has to lay by the hole and howl.