Merry Christmas

Good morning/afternoon/evening,

I wanted to send some sort of
holiday greeting to friends and family, but it is difficult in today's
world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met
with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress ,
non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice
holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the
religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or
their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the
calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make our country great ( not to imply that the USA is
necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the
race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, please be advised that you are accepting
these terms : This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable on the proviso that there is no alteration
to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is
void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion
of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the
usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until
the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )
Name withheld ( Privacy Act )

What did I miss?

Back from my annual hunting trip. This year, we went rifle hunting in the Badlands and then bowhunting in the black hills. I didn't get a deer in either place. On the rifle hunt, I passed up on a mule deer and a whitetail, each with half their antlers broke off. Generally, you want a nice buck when you have to pack it out in that kind of country. We were there at the end of the season in a high pressure area so we were not seeing a lot of deer. The bowhunt was fun but did not connect this year.

A couple of other people got a deer on the trip, and a lot of pinochle was played. We did have a wild turkey supper, which is the highlight of the trip when we can get it.

Happy Halloween

So my dog died. I went out this morning to feed the dog, and noticed that she had not touched the table scraps I had given her yesterday. She was dead. She had just had puppies about 10 days ago, which may have been the cause. So now I have 7 orphaned puppies to bottle feed, and when they are full grown, nobody will want them anyway.

And I'm an idiot. Because the reason I know nobody will want them is because a year ago she had a batch. I gave all those puppies away after unsuccessfully trying to sell them. At least I didn't have to shoot them. And I didn't get her spayed because I didn't think she would live many more years. I was right, but if I had she'd probably still be here.

So I make Bob Barker look like a smart guy. I originally did not spay the dog thinking I could sell a batch of pups once in a while. I never sent in her papers anyway, and time passed. I went 7 years with no problems, and then two batches of pups in a year.

I will probably keep one of the pups to replace her. I will bury her out in the yard and plant a tree next to her in the spring.

She was the best dog I've ever had.

I drink 2%

Stolen from WRSA

Marketing

Marketing is the process of separating a person from their money, in exchange for a good or service that they may or may not need. The less you need it, the better the marketing required to get one to buy it.

As a consumer, one tends to recognize the marketing, and build some resistance to it. And some times, you recognize you've been defeated, and tip your hat.

Hornady has a winner here. I will have to have a couple boxes of this stuff.

Pardon our dust

I updated the look at little, and I seem to have lost the old comments. Oops.

Why we are doomed, August 2011 edition

Watch it yourself. If this doesn't piss you off you are one of them.

All the way to the top?

The most significant revelation of the week is that someone in the White House was made aware of the operation. Did the president or his chosen officials not only allow but encourage the illegal purchase and smuggling of arms into Mexico, a foolish and cynical attempt to further gun-control policies unobtainable through the legislative process? We now know that knowledge of the program was within a few steps of Obama.

But nobody cares. The law does not apply to liberals, the ends justify the means. Till someone gets caught.

Exporting Cats

Apparently, a mountain lion from South Dakota ended up in Connecticut.

I always thought that the mountain lions we see here are a result of there being too many mountain lions in the mountains. They end up in our more populated farmland because there isn't enough room in the hills. This guy should not have had to go all the way to Connecticut to find a home with relatively few mountain lions in it.

Maybe he was gay and was looking for a place with more liberal laws.

Hold yer water

Some video of the flooding. The corps of engineers may have screwed up, and mother nature sent the rains, and as a result we are releasing record amounts of water for the next couple of months. Everyone from Montana on down. We've flooded a couple nuke plants.

Oahe dam is about 9 inches from having water running over the emergency spillway, which would be all kinds of bad. They have the floodgates open instead. 6 tubes, 18 feet in diameter, nearly 160,000 cubic feet of water per second. 1.15 million gallons per second. In a day, enough water to cover 480 square miles a foot deep. The water would be exiting the tubes at about 100 feet per second, by my calculations. [Edit, actually 72 feet per second, as some of the water is going through the powerhouse.] At this rate, it would drain the entire lake, all 23,500,000 acre feet in 76 days, except the water is coming in upstream just as fast.

There is a lot of video on youtube. I would like to make the trip to see this myself.

Do your civic duty.

Take moment and let your Rep know how you feel about Gunrunner.

Then Join Gun Owners of America.

Tilting at windmills?

Animal Lovers, Idiots

I heard an anecdote on the local radio station today. A woman was killed by a mountain lion, the mountain lion was then killed. It was a female with cubs. There was more money sent in to support the orphaned lion cubs than was sent in to support the woman's orphaned children. I think that highlights some misplaced priorities.

This is a pet peeve of mine, when people do not recognize the position of animals in the world. They are property, not people. So ,that is what makes stories like this even more tragic. It is one thing risking your life for other people, it is quite another to risk three or four decades of your life for an animal with a life expectancy* of a year or two.

I do love animals, but it would be foolish to risk my life for one, even a beloved pet. (I did make that decision once. My dog fell through the ice 150 yards from shore. I let her get herself out. I was sure she wouldn't make it.)

* I was going to say life span, but that would not be correct. Given the reproduction rates of wild ducks, 4-6 ducklings per year, the mortality rate has to be pretty high or the population would explode.

On the velocity of an unladen.......

So I've been re-reading Surgical Speed Shooting over the last few days. The book is ok. The info in it isn't too bad but the book jumps around and is a little hard to follow. The book is about the isosceles shooting postition for shooting handguns. The author claims it is superior to the Weaver stance. I can't really say, I'm not proficient in either. But I was practicing the hand and arm positions and I found that the method really seems to align the pistol exactly where I am looking, the natural point of aim.

I stepped out my font door with my Ruger Mark II, and noticed a swallow flying towards me. I had seen several flying up under the eaves from inside the house earlier. They want to build a mud nest up there, and I don't really want them too. I assumed the stance as best as I knew it, and fired a shot as the bird turned and flew across my field of view about 15 feet away, leading it an inch or two. Imagine my surprise when it dropped. That is probably the best shot I have ever pulled off with a handgun, although it was mostly luck. I tried a shot at a bird on the ground 30 yards away and came very close. I am going to work on this some more, and maybe my handgun shooting will improve.

A quote,

For those in Indiana, and elsewhere.

"And how we burned in the camps later, thinking: What would things have been like if every Security operative, when he went out at night to make an arrest, had been uncertain whether he would return alive and had to say good-bye to his family? Or if, during periods of mass arrests, as for example in Leningrad, when they arrested a quarter of the entire city, people had not simply sat there in their lairs, paling with terror at every bang of the downstairs door and at every step on the staircase, but had understood they had nothing left to lose and had boldly set up in the downstairs hall an ambush of half a dozen people with axes, hammers, pokers, or whatever else was at hand?... The Organs would very quickly have suffered a shortage of officers and transport and, notwithstanding all of Stalin's thirst, the cursed machine would have ground to a halt! If...if...We didn't love freedom enough. And even more – we had no awareness of the real situation.... We purely and simply deserved everything that happened afterward."
— Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Lint

Mrs. Giraffe had her gall bladder removed. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. We know a few people that have had it done, and there are usually side effects. Before surgery, she got violently sick for about a day once or twice a month. Hopefully any side effects are more bearable than that. Of course, it likely would have had to come out eventually. The surgeon said it was twisted up. Sometimes you do what the doctors tell you to do, whether they know what they are doing or not. The surgery went well, she is pretty sore, but so far so good.

I have not got my garden in yet. Still a very cold spring. Hoping to go bigger and badder with the garden this year. Also hoping to get some chickens. I'm thinking that gardening and having chickens and canning is a way to always have something to eat. Just in case the Schumer hits the fan. I bought 30 pounds of rice the other day. People looked at me funny. Hey, its cheap food, we like it, and the rice crop may not be so good this year due to flooding taking out 40% of the US production.

Still failing on my goal to have fruit trees. The deer got one last fall, 30 yards from the house. I stupidly thought they would leave it alone. They do not fear the house, they do not fear the dog, and I am unable to shoot enough of them to keep them away. The only solution is fence until the tree is large enough. I will be doing that from now on. The tree that they did not kill has shown no signs of budding so far this spring. I hope it didn't winter kill or something. I want apple, pear, plum, and cherry trees. I've probably planted a dozen trees over the years. I have one left alive. Maybe. There are a few others that I planted out away from the house that the deer killed. There are a few shoots coming up off them, so maybe something will happen. If nothing else, they can be pollinators.

Kinda neat, if you haven't seen it yet.

This has been all over the net, but it is an interesting diversion sometimes.


Webcam chat at Ustream

Aerials for Arielle

Arielle said she thought snow was pretty, so I wanted to post some pictures of the snow we got this year. Alas, I am lazy, and Mrs. Giraffe controls the camera, so I didn't get to it. Yet, all is not lost, I found some aerial photos from the Department of public safety that show a little bit of snow, as well as what it turns into in the spring, water.

In the county I live in, there is only one road open that runs in the east/west direction. I am lucky, I only have to go a few miles out of my way to get to work. A friend lives a mile from his farm, and has to drive 15 to get there. I am hopefully done pumping liquefied snow out of my basement.

Searching for Syracuse.

The following I left as a comment out there on the webs:

Bee hives are dangerous, so why don’t we stop kicking them.

First, there is no shortage of tin horn tyrants that haven’t attacked us, even if you exclude our own. We like to pretend to be the world’s cop, but we are broke, we don't have the will, and everyone hates the police. We don’t have the ability to referee every ball game in the world. If we don’t need to attack Kim Jung the Ill (and we must not need to, since we haven’t), we don’t need to be in Lybiastan. If we can’t figure out Iraqistan in ten years, throw in the towel.

Second, I don’t think trying to bring freedom by force of arms to a muslim nation is very well thought out. They are culturally incapable of it. If they are capable of it, let them die to bring it about.

The key point, besides the pointless killing, is that we are broke. Sooner or later, Uncle Sam’s checks are going to start bouncing, and we surely won’t be safer then, no matter how many despots we depose now. These wars may not be the chief cause of our brokeness, but they don’t help.

I don't know how best to prosecute this war on terror, but I don't think we are doing it right. I'll bet the Professor will rip me a new one.

Now look what you made me do.

Fine.

I wasn't going to do a post on Game. It seems you can't avoid stepping in it these days. I'm hearing the lamentations of the women and the cheering of the men.

Is there a socio-sexual hierarchy? It sure seems like there is. I don't reside at the top of it. It's easier to see from below. It seems pretty straight forward that women want to land as high a value man as they can, and men want to land as high a value woman as they can. Women are generally ranked on looks and personality.

Men are generally ranked by were they fit in the social strata. Women want the CEO, not the janitor. It is complicated, by the fact that women don't only look at status. They also look at wealth, and looks. Or at least all of these figure into a man's status in a woman's eyes. This is called hypergamy.

You might notice that none of the criteria are righteous in a Christian sense. It is not supposed to be this way.

Enter Game. Game is a man learning to fake a higher status to trick a woman into having a higher opinion of him. Usually the object of this is sex. It is blatant false advertising, on par with women wearing makeup to appear more beautiful than they really are.

So, naturally women are pissed.

In college, the bigger jerk a guy was, the more women he got. I never understood why, but the effect was real. Looking back, I am glad I was the nice guy. Less to feel guilty about now, and no diseases. Anyway, the reason a jerk gets women that is he is fooling her. The nice guy puts her on a pedestal and is shy. She doesn't need to respond to him. She can get him anytime she wants. He is signaling to her with his lack of confidence that she is a step up in the ranks for him. Therefore, he is a step down for her.

The jerk is sending the opposite signals. By acting like she doesn't matter, or just acting confident, he is telling her that he can get her, or a woman like her, any time he wants to. She believes that he is a higher status male, so now she thinks he's a catch. She may do foolish things trying to land him that she will regret later.

So nice guys finish last. You want the girl? Be an asshole.

So women. If you are angry about this, you can put a stop to it. Recognize what is going on, and stop responding to it. This is only going to work for a while anyway, till the whole social marketplace evolves and women start going for boys that cut themselves.

The good news for a Christian woman, is that if she has her eye on the ball, Game is irrelevant. Because she should be looking for a Godly man, and she should not be susceptible to Game. At least you can tell yourself you are game proof.

Look around the church, and see if you recognize a pattern. Are the most beautiful women evenly distributed among the nice guys and alpha males, or is there a pattern in the way people pair up? You don't often see the geek with the goddess. I think the pattern holds, though to a much lesser extent. I'll bet it varies a lot between churches.

As for game within marriage?

I am not sure game is completely useless. Sure it is wrong to be manipulative.

Yet, there are some things that are just good to know, and women don't come with an owners manual. Women don't always know what they want. Women don't always mean what they say, or say what they mean. She wants to feel like her husband can protect her, and may throw a tantrum just to see what he can handle. This is strange business for a man. Generally he thinks in straight lines and says what he means.

If there is anything positive in this, a man has more understanding as to why she is doing certain things, because she may not know herself, and she might not tell him if she did.

Enough with the game already.

Freedom of the press

What it actually looks like:

Deadeye

Mrs Giraffe is not fond of guns. She grew up in a house dominated by a gun fearing wussy, her mother. Her dad hunted a little, but he didn't pass it on to his daughters. He eventually quit, and his guns gather rust and dust somewhere. So Mrs. Giraffe didn't grow up as a shooter. I've been trying to get her to shoot a little, over the years. She had only fired a .22 until the other day.

Saturday, I decided she was going to have to shoot my .45 auto. There had been a large male Alaskan malamute around the place raising heck and abusing my new puppy. She called all the neighbors and nobody claimed him.

I told her to shoot him. She didn't want to. We don't have a dog catcher out in the country. I could have taken him to town but the dog cowered in fear every time I tried to handle him. I was afraid he would bite me. He usually left shortly after I got home.

The dog would be gone a couple days and then come back. One day after he had been a nuisance for over a week, the dog began grabbing the puppy and shaking it, and tossing it in the air. This was The Last Straw. She got the puppy into the house before he killed it. (the puppy is not housebroken, and I am allergic to cats and dogs, so he can't live inside.) She decided the dog must be killed. But she told me she didn't know how. I got rid of the it when I got home.

I had showed her how to operate my .45. She still remembered. But she had never shot it. She could have shot the dog if she needed to, but I think she was afraid, and she's never shot anything living. I threw a pop can out on the snowbank. She took aim and fired. I couldn't see any snow fly, I suspected she had missed by a mile. Then I noticed the hole through the can.

At least she can defend the house if she absolutely has to. I will try to make her more comfortable as time goes on.

Wherein the M4 is criticized.

I had thought that the new piston ar's that are so fashionable right now were somewhat of a gimmick. Yes, the principle of not pooping where one eats* does make sense. I also thought that the current platform was working pretty well, but apparently this is disputed by some. I don't particularly feel the need to upgrade, as I don't live in the Iraqi desert, and I ain't got the money anyway.

* This refers to the AR's gas impingement system which routes propellant gases and therefore residue back into the action as a means to operate it.

H/T Concerned American

Licentiousness

Brother Difster has attacked licensing:

The only reason for government based licenses is that governments like to have control and other people in various professions want to artificially limit competition.

I don't necessarily disagree with him that licenses are used to reduce competition. That is definitely a downside, and in some cases is intentional. That is not the reason for licensing. Licensing is used for professionals who require a certain amount of knowledge or skill to perform their profession.

I'll use land surveying as an example. On occasion I have heard of people who have set their own property corners. They will helpfully show you where they are, and how they went about putting them there, with their Stanley tape measure, no doubt. Obviously they don't know it is illegal to do this. We would listen politely and then ignore them. Even if they are in the correct place, they don't hold any legal validity. They must be set by a licensed Surveyor for that.

There are methods, and standards of care, and some legal knowledge that is required to properly perform a survey. Some expensive equipment, that the average guy doesn't have.

If a license wasn't required, joe shmoe could go out and set his car axles for corners, and they would be just as valid as anyone else's, despite their being 5 feet off from the correct location. The next door neighbor, not liking the lack of precision, could go out and set his own, leading to a dispute. That would be one benefit to licensing. Land Surveyors sometimes get it wrong, but not nearly as often, and respect for the license will prevent some disputes. There are correct procedures that are used for establishing lost corners that a licensed individual must know. There are standards for setting monuments, that display the surveyor's name and license number so the monument is identifiable as to what it is, and who put it there.

Now could a private firm certify land surveyors? I suppose. So you hire one endorsed by a private firm because you want it done correctly, and your neighbor hires a bum off the street and slips him and extra five to take an extra five feet. Who decides which one is right? More needless court action.

With regards to Engineering. Do you want to live in a building designed by a licensed engineer who met the requirements for obtaining a license, or do you want to live in the one designed by an idiot who bought the drafting software? Nobody would ever lie, overstate their qualifications or experience would they? Sure your family can sue him after you are dead. But they won't collect, he won't have any money, and you will still be dead.

How about the engineer who has been in practice for 40 years, has a stellar reputation, but isn't up on the latest information? We are required to have continuing education to keep our license. I will admit, the continuing education as it is right now can be a joke. The threat of having your license pulled is also an incentive to be careful, in cases where lives may not be at stake.

As far as private certification, yes it could work in theory. But then you have the opportunity for someone to fake the certification, or competing endorsements. One costs a lot of money and you have to prove you know your stuff, the other you can get out of a cracker jack box. Anybody can make up a website telling how they've been certifying the best doctors for decades. Worse, there is no way to stop malpractice, and in some cases, malpractice is in the client's best interest.

As for the government using licenses as control? The problem is not licensing, it is over-reaching government. Some occupations really don't need licensing.

Now the system of licensing is far from perfect. (I should know, I've got two of them.). Sometimes the barrier of entry is too high, and sometimes there is an old boy network in control of the process, as I am lead to believe about a state to my east. Lawyers have licenses, and look at what boon to the public that is. Most professions predate licensing.

However, sometimes barriers to entry are not just for limiting competition. They are sometimes used to keep the morons out. Public safety is a good reason for licensing, even if it is just a hairdresser spreading lice.

More government stupidity

When legislators get cute.

State lawmakers in South Dakota have introduced legislation that would require all residents aged 21 and over to purchase a firearm beginning in 2012.

This is nothing more than a stunt. Requiring someone to buy a gun is no more constitutional than requiring them to buy insurance.

Or is it? You see this is a state law, not a federal one. While the feds are prohibited from these over-reaching laws by the constitution, the states are not so long as they don't do anything otherwise prohibited. So the law may actually be legal.

Which is why the following quote actually makes the lawmaker look the fool:

"Do I or the other cosponsors believe that the State of South Dakota can require citizens to buy firearms? Of course not. But at the same time, we do not believe the federal government can order every citizen to buy health insurance," Wick told the Sioux Falls Argus Leader.

Anyway, I think it would be hilarious if it passed as is.

Elk

Res showed his elk pictures. Here is some my brother took this year. The elk are out in an area burned in the Jasper forest fire, the largest in Black Hills history. My aunt took some pictures of a couple of huge bulls, and the deer that we shot, but I am supposed to fix their computer in order to get them.

Probably irrelevant

Like Obama's citizenship, or lack thereof, the Leviathan will probably ignore this. It's unconstitutional anyway, so that fact that the amendment was never actually passed can't possibly mean anything to them.

What's a Snooki?

Apparently, in places that are not flyover country, or at least have cable, there is a television show called Jersey Shore. While not having actually seen it, I believe it follows the typical reality show formula, showing bad people at their worst, with this show excelling in this regard.

Then there's this gal Snooki from the show, who wrote a book, most likely in the manner Obama wrote his.

I have to say there are some funny parts, but I am talking about the Amazon reviews, not the book.

Happy New Year

2011 started with a bang. My father in law had open heart surgery, we just brought him home. My sister in law got married in the hospital so that he could attend.

So we made the papers and the local news, apparently it made good PR.

It finally occurred to me, dense as I am, that things could have been much much worse than they turned out. So I guess I can't complain about what a bad year it is, actually its pretty darn good.

I hope everyone else is doing OK.

Deer hunting.

This deer, in a matter of minutes bags a dog and nearly bags a cat. I felt a little sorry for the dog, but the cat was a missed opportunity.

On the elusivness of wapiti.

Just got back from an elk hunting trip in north central Colorado. We didn't get an elk. Three of the four of us had elk within bow range, but we couldn't seal the deal. I had a calf at 15 yards, and didn't shoot. I'd heard a bull bugle, and got ahead of them, so I knew he was around somewhere. He never showed.

I don't have the words to describe the disparate feelings of dejection and frustration, yet wanting to do it again, and how it is good to be home but it sucks to be back here.

Anyway, it was an experience I'll remember and hopefully can do again sometime.

Anybody want a dog?

I was talked into taking home a stray black lab about a month ago. He isn't working out. He won't stay home, and the neighbors, while not as trigger happy as El Borak., have expressed that they'd prefer he didn't show up at their place. I take it to mean that their fingers are getting itchy. He barks. He appears to have hip dysplasia. He really has no useful attributes, but he is a nice dog.

He is gunshy, and I shoot once in a while, so I don't think that endears him to me. I tried putting the stay-home-shock-collar on him the other day, and he took off yipping all the way to the neighbors. Those things don't work well if you don't train the dog, so that is my failure, not his. I picked him up a mile south. He spends his time tied up to the doghouse, lest he run off.

I told Mrs. Giraffe he had to go, and she said she'd find a place for him. Time is up tomorrow, but I think he will get a stay for another week.

Sorry dog, I gave it a shot.

There's a reason for these things.

There's usually a reason, or at least an excuse, for the draconian laws passed by our various governments. In many cases, the medicine is worse than the cure.

For example,divorce laws favor women. The men are raped with regards to finances and child custody. In most cases, society would be better off if no fault divorce had never come about. But then, once in a while, we come upon a specimen that would probably serve as exhibit A in favor of these laws.

Keeping the example of divorce, we have my brother in law. Soon to be ex brother in law, if events follow their present course.

This is a male (I guess I should not call him a man) who has not held down a meaningful job in a decade. He has not made more than $10,000 in any year since I don't know when. To compensate for his lack of income, he has spent them into bankruptcy. That was a few years back. He has done it again, but I don't know if bankruptcy is possible so soon after the last one. Some laws have been added to the books that make it more difficult and less beneficial as well. Generally speaking any financial decision has been 180 degrees from common sense. They are upside down on their subprime financed house. They run up a bill at daycare till they get kicked out, rinse lather repeat. Note that on days that he doesn't work he still sends the kids to daycare. Any attempts at financial assistance are immediately squandered to buy more things.

You might ask why my sister in law chooses to stay with such a wonderful provider. Well it is probably due to his outstanding moral character. Except for two affairs in the last few years, (neither girl over 18 years old, barely beat the statutory minimum on one) and numerous other relatively minor infractions he is a paragon of virtue. I'm not going to even start on his parenting skills.

He does have dreams, though. He wants to be a police officer. May God save us all if he ever slips through that background check.

In short he is a narcissistic, predatory, child-man. I should probably be in prison for his murder if I was a better man myself. At least he doesn't take drugs, yet if he did, he couldn't hardly be a worse husband or father.

In her defense she is stupid. That's probably an uncharitable way to put it. She has a learning disability from brain damage at birth. She was and is an easy mark, I guess. She doesn't reason well.

But, she has reached her breaking point, and if she is able to successfully resist his alternately abusive and begging behavior, she will be rid of him. All in all, she will be much better off.

It occurs to me that if her parents had had any say in who she married, none of this would have happened.

NRA: Weak little sister

This has nothing to do with why I'm no longer an NRA member, but it is another reason I won't rejoin.

Now that she's more than a week old.

Ta Da!!!!




I do good work.

I'm not the NRA

Although I could be.

Picking up the slack for El Borak TGIF Edition.

Dont forget to mail your census forms.

Picking up the slack for El Borak 2.0

****One day my mommy was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"*****

Picking up the slack for El Borak.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. -Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. -Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! -Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. -Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -Letterman


Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...


But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

For Nate

I hear he likes these things.



UPDATE: Sorry kids, there's been a terrible accident.

troll baiting, for sport

Farmer Tom put up a post about atheists and the intellectual thrashing thereof.

Wouldn't you know it, soon the resident ankle biter shows up.

I thought I'd preserve it, since Haloscan is leaving us tomorrow.

rusncap: Wow. Mickelson's response may be the most retarded thing I've seen in several weeks... and I've heard portions of Palin's speech. I'm glad you like it, FT. For the record, the Iowa pigs, though less hardy than their Haitian counterparts, are still smarter than you and Mickelson. Put together.


Giraffe: Wow. Mickelson's response may be the most retarded thing I've seen in several weeks...

You must be one of those less evolved species.

rusncap: I hate to inform you, Giraffe, but all humans are the same species. You just happen to be one of its less intelligent members. But, as those of us who actually bothered with learnin' things know, every gene pool has a shallow end.

P.S. Just because stupidity is couched in sarcasm doesn't make it any less stupid. Just makes it more desperate.

Giraffe: every gene pool has a shallow end.

You blithering moron. You just made the same argument that you are attempting to make fun of Mickelson for.

rusncap: Erm, no Giraffe. I didn't. It's too bad you don't understand biology. Just because you're in the shallower end of the gene pool (I'm joking, of course, just because you're stupid does not mean you're inbred) does not imply that you're a different species.

Oh, and Mickelson didn't make actual arguments. His only coherent statement was that Christians also donate to charity, which is true.

Giraffe: Yes, you did.

You said I am in the shallow end of the gene pool. He said Haitians are in the shallow end of the gene pool (although he was utilizing a literary device known as sarcasm. Look it up.) There are also so nice quotes from the atheist hero Darwin regarding different races and which end of the gene pool they are in.

Are you sure you are not a chimp?

rusncap: No, retard. He said "sarcastically" that Haitians are a different species. If you don't understand the difference between "shallow end of the gene pool" and "different species", you might want to go back to H.S. biology. Then again that's not such a bad idea.

As for Darwin, what's he got to do with anything?

"There are also so nice quotes" -- English isn't your first language, is it?

Giraffe: "Some" nice quotes. Work with me.

I'll spell it out for you. Hector Avalos selected Pat Robertson to make fun of. He did this because Pat isn't representative of mainstream Christians (although Hector can pretend he is) and said some things that are easy to make fun of. That way you can smear all Christians using an extreme example.

In response, Mickelson selected atheist hero Charles Darwin, the father of evolutionary theory, and made fun of some of the wild and crazy things that he said. The funny thing is, these are some of the actual implications of the theory you are expousing here.

You come along, and try to make fun of me, unwittingly using the same argument that Mickelson used sarcastically.

Giraffe:......using the same argument that Mickelson used sarcastically.

You know. The one you said was "retarded"

At this point, I had to leave. Suppose he'll follow me back here?

Best Fails of 2009

"Gun Inspector"

Oh come on, give the guy a break. Really, who hasn't done this:

Kinky ATF Agent Gets In Big Trouble In Big Easy

Friday challenge

February 31, 2047


For immediate release:

Greenspace Moves to Prevent Di-Hydrogen Oxide Contamination

Building upon our success in creating the Lunar Wild Area Refuge (LunWar) to prevent the tracking of pristine lunar surfaces by moon buggies, Greanspace has moved once more to protect the lunar environment.

Hydro-Unlimited, a subsidiary of Haliburton!, has proposed drilling for di-hydrogen oxide beneath the moon’s surface. Di-hydrogen oxide is a major component of acid rain on Earth, yet Haliburton! executives tell us it is safe.

Proponents of drilling claim that the lunar habitat is lifeless (we disagree), and therefore cannot be damaged by human activities. As we showed in creating LunWar, human activity is damage. If we hadn’t acted, the entire lunar surface would be covered in tracks and footprints. Since the moon is atmosphere impaired, these tracks create permanent scars on the surface of the moon.

Now the industrialists are at it again, proposing to move into LunWar with their drilling rigs, tracking up the surface in their quest for di-hydrogen oxide. Think for a moment what a catastrophe it would be if one tanker of di-hydrogen oxide were to be spilled. They claim it would quickly covert to the solid state, but dare we trust them? The capitalist pigs claim that the di-hydrogen oxide is essential for life. Well, too much is fatal too.

There is a subtlety in the statement that di-hydrogen oxide is "essential to life" that must be explored. Is this an admission of the existence of life on the moon? We think so! The next time someone laughs at you when you insist on protecting the Barking Moonbat, tell them even Haliburton! Execs have admitted they exist.

Call your senator today and tell her not to allow drilling in LunWar.

Giraffe
President
Greenspace

Liar in chief

(picture shamelessly stolen)

Once again, we have a president whose first reaction when in an uncomfortable position is to lie. People accused Bush of lying. More often he was simply wrong. Obama has been caught in several lies, but the state run media never calls him out.

Get your kids into archery.

The pleasure of a good story, well told:

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our place sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbitch.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland, so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I look over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles) to add to the excitement.

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can, but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie. A pound of Pyrodex and 16ounces of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker, you know? You know what? Screw that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it on, too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the two-stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God, it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can. Oh, shit!

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fucking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion; and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE! There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback – ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAMMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard, and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know. I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so, and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again... Thanks, Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years, and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both..

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It’s good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. Something they won’t learn in school.

Source.

Squid!!

Friday Challenge for this Week

slight story modifications: my object won't fit in a bag, and I'm on a classified mission.


Squid Wars, The Next Generation

I struggled with my cargo in the airlock. It was heavy. I lugged it to the infirmary module and did a quick reconnaissance of the station. I was pleased to find that there was a spare model 5105 maintenance droid stored in one of the warehouse modules.

I linked my handheld into the droid and uploaded the Engineer program.

"Sir?" the droid said when it came online.

"Perform a census of this station, inspect my ship, and report back to me." I said.

"Yes sir," said the Engineer and it left.

I returned to the equipment I had brought. I plugged it into the infirmary receptacles and powered it up.

"Ready" was flashing on the screen. Opening the supply case I selected a membrane, and installed it in the slot. I pressed start.
_______

After a couple of hours, the Engineer droid returned to report.

"Weapons, crew and comm modules destroyed. Estimate 1 week repair on crew module. Weapons and comms will need to be totally re-manufactured. Estimate 21 months to construct the necessary fabrication droids. There are 1 platoons worth of lght weapons in storage. The..."

I interupted him. "Forget the comms. My orders are for communications silence anyway. We will construct receivers if we have time. Maybe we can get some news. As for weapons, we can't handle the Kalimari if they return anyway. We need to get out of here before they return. How soon can you repair my spacecraft?"

"Your ship is poor condition. If you plan to abandon this station, we can cannibalize some of the materials. However, some materials will need to be obtained from the moon's surface. We will need to construct a full line of droids from mining and smelting droids to machinists, and of course, a droid to build the droids. I estimate 6 months. Captain Smith did a full survey scan of this moon, the materials are here."

"What happened to the crew?" I asked

"According to the log, two were on the ship when the Kalamari surprised them. The rest were in the crew's quarters."

"What else was in the station's computer? Did the crew find a habitable planet in nearby?"

"Yes sir. There is planet that scores 87 just over 5 parsec's from here, carrying capacity 7.5 billion. They had not reported it to command yet."

"Good" I said. "that's where we will be going. We will start a station type 14 sequence when we get there. How long till we can be fully operational?"

The droid processed for a full minute. "I estimate we can complete a Mahi-Mahi class cruiser constructed in orbit in about 100 years."

I nodded. So I wasn't going to live to see this through.

"Sir, according to the station's main computer, the Kalimari ship's beacon was activated. "

"I assumed it was. That's why we have to leave so quickly." I said.

"The computer estimated a 57 percent chance they will investigate and, if they come 6 months before ...." said the Engineer.

"They'll come." I said. "We are going to need an espionage droid to alter their ship's log. If we hide our activities, they might not know to come looking for us. You'd better get started."

"Yes sir." The Engineer hurried away.
________
The next day, I checked the machine. "Membrane ready." was flashing on the display. The membrane had formed into a small bulb shape.

I selected a capsule from the supply kit, placed it into the receptacle, and pressed start.
______
The droid passed by as I was checking the machine.

"Are you using that antique?" he asked

"Yes, that's all they gave me." I replied.

"You are not following the protocol?" he asked.

"No, I am not" I admitted.

"Shall I make preparations?" he asked.

"Yes, in a few weeks" I said.
_____

Eight months earlier, I had been summoned with about 100 others to the command ship. Admiral Kent addressed us.

"The Kalimari have us boxed in this quadrant of the galaxy." he said. "We are in desperate straits. My staff has come up with a bold new plan to eradicate them and they assure me of it's success. You are not a part of this plan. Since I don't share the optimism of my staff, you are plan B. Each of you has been selected based on your psych/med files for this mission. As you know, we have only resorted to this a few times in our history. Good luck."

We were broken up into smaller groups, and given our orders.
_____

After eight weeks, I was starting to believe we might make it before the Kalimari returned. The Engineer had worked furiously, and I helped where I could. The new Engineer software was amazing for optimizing solutions. We were now turning out five or six new droids a day. My ship had been completely disassembled and was being modified into an makeshift transport. We would take the droids with us.
_____

The machine was ready for the next stage. The membrane had grown leathery and opaque was much larger now, and was suspended in a tank of water. It moved occasionally like a living creature. I watched as the medi-droid made a 7 centimeter slit in the membrane. The droid inserted the Ed unit and glued the membrane shut.
______

The droids had repaired the comm reciever on the ship. A few intercepts had come in. Things were obviously deteriorating in the war. No rescue would be coming.

Then we picked up the Kalimari message. Two more cruisers had been reassigned to investigate the beacon. We had a month.

______
The machine cycle was complete. The tank of water had been drained and removed, the membrane lay heavily the floor. I nodded to the medi-droid, and it selected its scalpel.

She had arrived.

She coughed and sputtered as the medi-droid severed the umbilical cord. The droid tucked the stub of the cord under a flap of skin and used the surgical glue to seal it. That was the tell-tale mark of a clone, no belly button.

She noticed me.

"What.... " She stopped. Her voice was raspy, she obviously was surprised at the sound of it. It sounded different of course, now that she was out of the engineered amniotic fluid. She had known this would happen, of course. The Ed unit was very thorough.

What is my name,?" she managed.

The medi-droid was cleaning the slime off of her.

"Eve" I said.

"How many are here?" she asked

"Just the two of us."

She was surprised. "Shall we get started?"

"Not yet" I replied.

"You do have embryos?"

"I have a full genetic library." I said.

"Then....." She was thinking. She was a smart one. "You're not following protocol?"

"No. " I admitted.

She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Perfect. She'd been selected for this, thousands of years ago. She felt my eyes.

Her eyes widened slightly. "Do you have any clothes for me?" She regarded me suspiciously. There had been abuses of of clones in the past. The Ed unit must have taught her that too.

"I..uh, didn't.." I stammered, "I didn't think of it at all." I rushed to my quarters and returned with a sweatshirt and some exercise pants. "I'll have one of the droids make you some closthes right away."

She seemed reassured.

"Have you got anything to eat?" she asked.

"Yes, this way" I said. The medi-droid had been fitting her with a walk/therapy droid. The ed unit had made her exercise, but it still took a while to learn to walk. We started slowly toward the dining module.

"So why?.... She trailed off.

"I wanted some company." I said.

After a while she said "So, I'm to be your wife?"

"If you wish." I said. "If you don't want to, I'll have plenty to pick from. I have 49 more human capsules. They are all female. The male seeds were sent to stations where crewmen were needed."

"That's the protocol." she said.

"So if I'm going to be a baby factory, I may as well be the only one with a husband." she said and smiled. Apparently, she was deciding she could trust me.

I didn't say anything.

"Is something wrong?" she asked "Do I displease you?"

"It's just that.... you" I said softly "You're one of my ancestors. It's just a little weird."

"This isn't the first time the human race has had to repopulate" She agreed.

We completed the evacuation 10 days later.

The Friday Challenge

For the Friday Challenge:

Cote sat in the passenger seat, ahead of his pilot brother Cliff. He strained his eyes through his oil covered goggles, coughing at the acrid taste of smoke and oil.

The engine coughed its last, and there was only the roar of the wind. Then there was a small explosion, and flames streamed back over the engine cowling, threatening to roast him alive.

He turned around, screaming, "Watch out Cliff, you are going to hit the barn!"

Cliff's seat was empty.

"Oh shit" muttered Cote.
_____

Beth Key glared at Doctor Darkness. "I could never be happy with the likes of you!"

"Why not?" he smiled. "I'm just as handsome as Cliff, and almost as wealthy."

"You are an evil pig!" she cried, as she looked back to the barn.

_____
Cote lept from the plane, and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He clawed at his oily goggles, but he couldn't see anything.

He fought the urge to scream. "I'll die with dignity" he thought to himself.
He finally got his goggles off just as he glanced off the top of a large haystack. The hay scratched his face as he flew over a fence and landed in a large pile of manure.

"Oh shit" he moaned as the acrid taste of smoke and oil was replaced with something far worse.

______

Cliff's parachute had opened 25 feet about the ground, and the rigging caught in a tree. His forward momentum slowed as the 'chute tore and the branches broke. The 'chute tore free and he landed on his feet at a jog. "Just like I practiced" He thought to himself. As he ran, he looked down at the the wet stain that began at his crotch and spread down each pant leg. "

"I can't let anybody see that", he said to himself. He came to a barbed wire fence, leaping over it easily. He ran along the edge of a farm pond, stopping long enough to wet himself down to hide the fact that he had wet his pants. He looked at column of smoke rising a short distance away and shivered, and then turned and slowly walked away.
____

Cote sat next to the water trough. He had a horrible headache. He was sure he had broken a couple of ribs in the fall. He was wracked with pain as he vomited one last time.

"I'll kill Cliff for sure this time" he swore, wiping his mouth.

"I need to find Beth" he thought. He didn't know what the dim witted dame saw in his brother, but he couldn't leave her with someone like Doctor Darkness.

___________

Cliff had heard the sound of Doctor Darkness's planes in the distance. He decided it was time to get out of the open. He spotted treetops over a small rise in the ground. "I better get under the trees." he thought, turning towards them. He froze as he topped the rise. Between him and the trees was a road. Between him and the road was a fence. Between him and the fence was a herd of cattle. One by one, they picked up their heads to stare at him.

__________

"He's dead you know." Said Doctor Darkness.

Beth just looked blankly at him.

He smiled slightly, when he noticed there were no tears on her cheeks. Then he turned to watch his minions as they piloted their airplanes above.

"You will see things my way" he said.
_____

The sound of the planes returning interrupted Cote's thoughts. He peered around the haystack and watched the formation approaching. As he watched two objects fell from the lead aircraft's wings. The objects whistled slightly as they flew over his head towards the wreckage of the plane and the burning barn.

He was knocked off his feet as twin explosions rocked the ground. Debris and large pieces of lumber rained down on him. A large burning board landed on his back. He jumped up and dove back into the water trough.
______

Cliff had stood nervously for a few seconds, looking at the cattle ahead, hearing the planes getting louder behind. He decided he'd go around. He relaxed a little when the cattle resumed feeding as he skirted the herd.

And then, he heard the explosions.

____


Beth Key looked at clouds of smoke as the planes wheeled away.

"I guess you're right", she said. "He was a fool anyway."

Doctor Darkness grinned. "I knew you never really cared for him."

"How did you know?" she asked.

"I am an evil genius." he said simply.

"There would be many benefits to being with me. You will be able to scoop all the crime stories for your newspaper. I can make you the editor before long. I am going places, and I can take you with me" he declared.

Beth looking into his eyes. "I love a powerful man, Doctor....."

"Call me Bruce," said Doctor Darkness.

_____________

Cote got out of the water trough, and promptly stepped on a board. He howled as a protruding nail penetrated deeply into his foot. Grimacing, he pulled himself free and limped away from the barn. He saw a farmhouse a ways off. A black car was parked in the farmyard, a man and a woman were getting in.

"If I can make it to the end of the driveway I can cut them off!" Cote thought as he quickened his stumbling pace, slipping into a corn field.
____

"Lets find a restaurant" said Beth, "I am famished."

"Of course, we can't be seen together," Doctor Darkness said. "We will go to my lair."

"I am a virtuous woman!" she said, "surely you cannot be so forward!"

There was a short silence, and then they both laughed.

Suddenly, Bruce slammed on the brakes, and the car skidded to a halt. In the road ahead, a man had stepped out from behind a tractor. At least she thought it was a man. He stood there in tattered, filthy clothes, watery blood dripping from him. It was Cote, she realized.

"Doctor Darkness, I cannot let you take her" Cote called.

"His name is Bruce." Beth Key said. "and I want to go with him."

Cote blinked in disbelief.

Doctor Darkness got out of the car, holding a pistol that he had produced from somewhere. Seeming to think better of it, he put the pistol away and retrieved a tire iron.

"You might not want to watch this." He said to Beth. He pointed to to a tire swing, hanging from a rope in a nearby tree. "I am going to hang Cote Hangar once and for all!"

He stepped forward, brandishing the tire iron.

Beth Key lay down across the front seat, not wanting to watch the coming violence.
_____

Cliff saw the cattle start when the explosions rocked the barn. He ran, hearing the thunder of hooves. Soon though, he noticed the sound was getting fainter. He slowed, looking back. The cattle were running the other way. He stopped to catch his breath. He couldn't believe his luck.
______

Cote readied himself. He knew that in his condition he wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight.

"Oh shit" he thought to himself as Doctor Darkness slowly closed the distance.
_______

Over the sound of the retreating cattle, Cliff heard another sound. The aeroplanes! Horrified, he watched as the cattle turned, running from the low flying craft. Now they were coming towards him!

He ran, screaming, towards the fence.
_________

"I've waited years for this." Doctor Darkness said.

Cote merely waited.

But then the ground began to shake again, slowly increasing in volume.

They turned towards the sound. Something was coming from the other side of the corn field.

And there was another sound, a piercing shriek, barely heard over the approaching thunder.
_____

Cliff dove over the fence, scrambling into a corn field. As he plowed through the stalks, heard the cattle crashing through the fence behind him. He stumbled as he exited the corn field and ran smack into a tractor, his head head hitting the steel frame. He crumpled in a heap underneath it.
______

Cote and Dr. Darkness didn't have time to be surprised by Cliff's entrance as the cattle erupted out of the corn. Cote tried to dive behind the car, but Dr. Darkness hit him in the knee with the tire iron. Cote lay next to the front tire as the cattle roared past. Only four or five trampled on his exposed legs.
___________

Cliff awoke with a start. The cows were gone. He got to his feet. Barely discernible with all the dust covering him, there was a man lying in the road. He was obviously dead. Beth was sitting in the car. She was looking at the dead man with an unhappy expression, and then she saw him.

"Cliff!" she cried "I knew you'd save me."

"Of course." he said getting into the drivers seat. "Why would you think differently?"

They didn't hear the moan as he started the car.

There was a lurch as the car ran over something. Cliff piloted the car around the body in the road.
_____
Some say that a villain was defeated by a hero that day, but one man knew better. Two months later, the Denver Sentinel reported that Cliff Hanger and Beth Key were murdered. One villain was destroyed, but one much more diabolical was created. It is unknown how many women bled to death in back alleys because of the twisted Cote Hanger. This story should serve as a warning: Those who take credit are not always the hero. Perhaps there is a little bit of Doctor Darkness in us all.

demotivator

Or make a better one.

Suzanna Gratia Hupp explains meaning of 2nd Amendment!

Why we are doomed: Version 1.0

"the sum of the U.S. government's liabilities and other financial commitments now exceeds the collective net worth of its citizens."

As a reference

For Res Ipsa, who will need this, stolen from JACIII.



APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
_________ ___________________________________ ________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with over sized tires? __Yes __No

C. A water bed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________ ________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want lto be shot would be:
__________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__ __________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

____________________________

_____________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

_____________________________
_____________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Sig nature & Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi or State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six months for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating, as they appear below:

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill y ou. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you, [besides the application above] is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,and more than an hour goes by, do n ot sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, middle-aged,dimwitted has-been fart. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and fifty-five wooded acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Have a good time!!

Christmas thoughts.

It is kind of fun watching an 8 month old girl tear into the wrapping paper. She doesn't get it yet, she just likes the paper.

Christmas at the inlaws. Such a pleasant misery. Good food, badly behaved kids and pets, and cat allergies. Great fun.

Today, I am off to try hunting coyotes with my brother. Maybe burn off some of those cookies.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Start thinking up your new years resolutions.

Giraffe out.

True

Your Slogan Should Be

Between Love and Madness Lies Giraffe

The Slogan Generator

Cuteness

That is all.

from the inbox

Sometimes you get an email that is true:

A Lady Named Irena - a true story

There recently was a death of a 98 year old lady named Irena.

During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist.

She had an ulterior motive...

She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being German).

Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of her tool box she carried, and she carried in the back of her truck a Burlap sack, (for larger kids).

She also had a dog in the back, that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in, and out of the ghetto.

The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog, and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.

During her time and course of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants.

She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, and arms, and beat her severely.

Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out, and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard.

After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it, and reunited the family.

Most of course had been gassed.

Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes, or adopted.

Last year Irena was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize....

She LOST.

. . . . . . . Al Gore won, for doing a slide show on Global Warming.

Fireworks

From Kevin M, Via Dr. Helen

My history with fireworks:

When I was a kid, my father was Vermont State Champion trapshooter in the handicapped division. He paid me 25 cents for each box of 12-guage shells I reloaded for him, so we had gobs of Hercules Red-Dot shotgun powder around the house, as well as a subscription to The Shotgun News. I saw an ad in the Shotgun News for empty Mark II Pineapple grenade casings, so, being a kid, I ordered one.

It arrived, I filled it with Red-Dot, put in a model rocket fuse and sealed the opening with candle wax (melted in a pot on Mom's stove...I'm not using a lit candle because even though I'm really stupid, I'm not friggin' suicidal!).

I bury the grenade in Mom's tomato garden next door to our neighbors' house, a pair of elderly and wonderful French-Canadians. I light the fuse and run like Jessie Owens.

BOOOOOM!!!

Mom no longer has any tomatoes, there's a crater big enough to bury our dog in the garden, Mr. Rouleau dashes outside his house screaming expletives in French and I take off into the woods to develop my skills in unassisted living for two days before returning home to one seriously p*ssed-off mother and a father who, when he learned of the calamity, wet himself.

Fireworks, people. Let the pros handle them.

My father-in law watched a yukon burn up after a kid inside it somehow got his sack of fireworks ignited. The car filled up with smoke and one kid got seriously burned because he couldn't find his way out.

A guy got killed near here over the weekend making a sparkler bomb.

I don't get a big kick out of fireworks so much any more. Maybe when my kid(s) get older. Anyways, have fun, be careful, and if you have a funny story, by all means share it.

For Heidi

Because she was grouchy.